The moment you are told that the attempt has failed after the in-vitro fertilization and all the hardships it has involved, it can be very difficult to describe your feelings in words. Even though couples who undergo the procedure know that the chances of success are not one hundred percent, coping with failed IVF is sometimes very difficult.
It is important to know that overcoming all your conflicting feelings is the key to success in your next attempts. Therefore, you need to understand exactly what you are experiencing in order to be able to overcome it.
Now when the human body is seriously injured, due to the release of adrenaline, a person may not immediately feel pain – this is the state of shock. However, it applies not only to physical pain, but also to emotional pain. You may be dumbfounded by the news, and not immediately realize how deep the feeling of your grief is. During this period, it can be very difficult to understand exactly how you are feeling, and so it is not possible to cope. Depending on a person’s psyche, this period can last from a few seconds to a few days for everyone.
After the shock passes, you experience a sharp emotional pain that is impossible to describe in words. It is very important to understand what feelings this pain will entail. It can be bitterness of resentment, fear of your next attempts, feelings of guilt, or anger over the unfairness of fate. Although all these feelings are uncomfortable, it is a perfectly normal reaction to loss. The problems begin when you don’t feel anything after losing a child.
Despite all the attempts around you to calm you down with words like “Stop crying, calm down,” and so on, it’s actually very important to feel. Of course, it can be harmful to be nervous, but that’s only if you can’t handle stress on your own. In fact, it is much worse if you suppress all these emotions and forbid you to feel anything. It is important to understand that repressed emotions will not go anywhere, they will simply poison you from the inside, affecting every day of your life, eventually leading to neurosis and severe depression, which only a psychotherapist can cope with. And most importantly, repressed emotions and bitterness can be a serious obstacle to your next IVF attempts.
What to do?
Of course, it’s important to experience these feelings, but how can you do it in a way that does as little harm to yourself as possible? You don’t have to go along with your feelings completely, forgetting about common sense. Reproductive surgeons often encounter strong reactions from women to the news that IVF has failed. Many of them start accusing the clinic of incompetence and the doctors of not trying hard enough, but that’s not the worst part. The worst part is when you start blaming your husband for the failure of the attempt because of him or blaming it on yourself. Of course, the pain of loss is a very serious feeling, but that doesn’t mean you need to vent your aggression on people who are not to blame for anything. And you need to understand that your husband went through all the difficult stages of IVF with you, and he feels the pain of the loss just as much as you do, he just doesn’t express it as vigorously. As for fertility specialists, they can do a lot with today’s medical advances, but that doesn’t mean they’re all-powerful. A failed IVF attempt doesn’t mean they haven’t given you all their options and modern technology, so hysteria is the worst thing to do in such a situation.
It’s important to understand that despite all your feelings, no one is to blame for the fact that the IVF attempt failed. Sadly, neither doctors, nor the most advanced technology, nor donor oocytes can guarantee your success. Conception is too complex a process to be so easily controlled. If you are already feeling pain or anger at someone, you can try just writing it down on paper or saying it out loud when no one is around. It’s important to let your emotions out, and then calm down and forgive all the people around you in the difficult struggle for your happiness.
It takes time
But the most important thing after a failed IVF attempt is not to be alone with your grief. Of course, everyday things can help you cope with unpleasant feelings, you may also need to be alone. But this does not mean that you have to run away from the whole world. You need to give yourself time to recover from the loss, and then begin to gain new strength for the next attempt.
So many people find it hard to accept that their own bodies no longer obey and let them down. But the truth is, the emotional part is just as important to a successful IVF attempt as all the reproductive efforts. You need to understand that the success of conception depends a lot on how you feel, how ready you are to have a baby, and how good you feel overall. Ironically, a great many women have had successful IVF attempts only after realizing that they are capable of living without children.
For those who have been trying to conceive for a long time and can’t, this viewpoint may seem cynical. But in fact, you should be happy no matter what. If a child becomes the center of your universe, it doesn’t indicate a great love for it or a great desire for children, it indicates serious problems. After all, you are a complete person, and you have every right to be happy. The moment multiple or even a single failed IVF attempt becomes the center of your personal universe inevitably reduces your chances of success. Being fixated on one thing is a serious problem. If you can’t handle it on your own, if you think that the whole world is against you, that fate is unfair – this may be a serious reason to ask for help. No matter with whom you will talk – it is important that it was an understanding person, who will not give unnecessary advice or false hopes. You just need to get out of the loop to feel alive again, and then you will succeed.